Deus Ex Machina: A Hand Of God

I had this dream my colleagues and I were holding hands, standing in a semi-circle outside a burning building and singing Kumbaya. When I when I woke up, I immediately knew what had to be done. But honestly speaking, every morning I’m quite surprised when I don’t see the fire department trucks when I get to work because I expected someone to have a mental break down by now and seek to end this confusion by burning this office down. I had the same feeling at Pick n Pay, a retailer which launched a loyalty card called a ‘Smart Shopper’ card.

 

Given my card retention skills, or lack thereof, I always have to say “No” whenever they ask me for the damn thing. It’s not that they are impolite when they ask, it’s how they ask. “Smart shopper sir?” Well, I am shopping and I would like to believe I’m smart. So I have started replying “Yes” and then proceeding to stand there motionless and expressionless, enjoying the next few seconds of awkwardness as the till operator holds out their hand expecting a card. In which case, I can understand the looks I get that suggest that I’m a few beers short of being a basket case. Speaking of psychopaths, I received word that two (I want to say friends) people I know are getting married. I resisted the urge to instruct the groom-to-be to get down on his knees so I could pray for him. I congratulated him instead.

 

I started looking at the combination of characters that call each other friends/partners, past and present associates of mine included, and I thought to myself, how did that happen? The mix of certain characters is not predictable. The creation of a bond between two people requires the assumption from both parties that their characters are compatible with each other, otherwise there will have short and pointless interactions riddled with utterances about the weather or the football match last night. In fact, certain characters do not intermingle except when several other factors all mixed together (other friends, certain mood, atmosphere, alcohol, relationship status etc.). This mix of factors is a completely unpredictable, uncontrollable event. The chances of that occurring randomly are the same as the chances of predicting the next lottery numbers. But look at the vast number of known psychopaths that remain married to this day! The fact that this rarity happens so frequently means there is a root to the equation outside our realm of causality, Deus ex machina.

 

 

The fifth and unanticipated

Or, a simpler explanation of this phenomenon would be that the two love birds made space for each other in their lives and once you make space for a psychopath in your life, that void is very difficult to fill. (Look at Liverpool and Suarez, Manchester United and Fergusson. And yes, Fergie was a psychopath.) But I’m not the one to talk, I have been involved with people who are not my type, and neither was I their type.

 

To illustrate, let’s refer to the Book of Murphy:

Corollary (3): Let us say thou art now aware of Murphy’s laws and you take steps to prevent all 4 possible disasters. A fifth and unanticipated disaster shalt strike thee and it shalt be impossible to avert without undoing the other the solutions to the anticipated disasters. Thus sayeth Murphy. Amen.

 

So you have been roaming in the wilderness single as you are for so long that you even believe that there are none left like you. It didn’t occur to you that you might actually meet someone, but meet someone you did! There are a few issues at hand.

i.       This behaviour is weird, and I don’t understand how she is interacting with her friends, she could be a psychopath. Solution: Don’t get involved.

 

ii.     I don’t like that hairstyle. Leave the poor horses alone. #JustSayNoToTHATKindOfWeave. And what kind of sense of dressing is this? Solution: Just stay away. Wait. Actually, I should stand next to her to look good myself.

 

iii.   Small talk has erupted. Very boring. Solution: Close your eyes and repeat “lalalalala”; count to 10 and maybe she will go away. Or casually make an excuse to remove yourself from this scenario.

iv    Trouble has found you, it turns out you have mutual friends and a little group has emerged that you are both a part of. Solution: Keep 2 degrees of separation at all times. When she speaks, let someone else speak first, then wait for another response before adding your own two cents. Avoid direct debate.

 

Congratulations, you have successfully thwarted everything that threatened your tranquillity. But wait, what’s this? Your mutual friend has appeared and is formally introducing you. “Did you know she also does [that hobby that you like,]” he says, “and the two of you are the two of you are probably the most passionate people about [that thing you are very passionate about]?”

 

Hours later you are now deep into conversation with this girl and semi-isolated from the rest of the group. Days later, a fifth and unanticipated problem: She is in your head. You are finally ready to adopt a psychopath.